Can I still be Alice

HCP3Again, I had experience another episode, I don’t even know what to call it.. It still seems like it’s a silent seizure, but have yet been official diagnosed.

This time I knew it was coming.. I was on my way to work and just stopped right before I went onto 19. I was thinking this is a bad idea and trusted my gut and turned around to go back home. My brain felt weird.. I can’t really explain how the feeling is.

Went through the same symptoms where I my arm would shake and just stare and be non responsive.. Don took me to the er and or course after all the blood work and xrays  there was nothing wrong. So what you see happening is ? and what I am experiencing is what?

For the past weeks, I have been losing interest in the things that I love to do.. I have passion, nothing. No desire no purpose.. so maybe all this could be physiological. Maybe I did too much, or maybe some earlier injury in my life that happen is now catching up to me.

And those people that know me, know this isn’t me. This is scary.. I feel like I am loosing control of my life and what I love to do.. it’s like when my mom had to give up driving, she lost her independence. I understand how she felt. The denial that she was approaching and the next stage the admittance and the final stage is acceptance.. This time right now I have past the denial and going into the admittance. I understand that I need to just stop.. but not just yet willing to accept what is going on with me..

Don and I decided that its time for me to just stop.. stop doing everything until we find a solution and where my brain can be normal.. no dizziness, no ringing in the ears, not absent mindedness, no fogginess, no slipping into another seizure.  And to maybe find out why when they ask me what year it is I always say 2012.

I had to let Max Preps know that I will not be able to fill my obligation and of course the football league as well, which hurts me dearly.  Work.. that is still up in the air..

I am wondering if there are more people like me that are going through the same situations, it would be nice to find those people.

It’s just right now I want to be quiet, silent. No distractions. Right now I would love to be on the beach feel the sand and coolness of the water and just be at peace.

I am 50 years old.. I still have so much more I can do and that pisses me off.. and those that know me, know that I will still find a way to be who I am.

 

 

 

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